One day I looked at myself in the mirror. I saw this girl under pressure for several reasons. First of all, job she has is unbearable and she started hating it from deep of her soul. Secondly, she is wanted to be accountant aka office cow, which she was trying to run away from since she was a child and everyone was pushing her to go to study law, economics and other similar subjects.
But that time girl was a rebel and while spitting everyone straight into their faces she ran away to study abroad. She chose to study films as she found that the creative side was becoming more and more powerful and needed more space to absorb different notes from the nature.
But being an artist isn't easily approved profession as we are living in capitalism. You can't be an artist without money. So the girl spent three years working more than studying to pay her accommodation and living.
As everyone has experience with their own skin: having money in your pocket makes you comfortable. And the girl forgot she had ambitions to prove people she didn't need to study law or economics...
Meanwhile I was looking at myself in the mirror, I noticed a little sparkle left in one eye. It was screaming to be out. I came all this way to be where I am now — unhappy. Great achievement, Ieva.
And from now own I made a promise to myself — fuck all accounting books and concentrate on what I my heart wants me to do.
When I read someone's autobiography, I find myself more excited about reading the empty pages. And I know that one day people will write about my life. And I will be just laughing at their interpretations of some certain my future decisions.
But now — I am my own god and I am responsible for my decisions. And I am not too sure if I feel confident about it.
Have you ever seen yourself drowning in water? I've done this twice. Every new experience brings you a bright sun sparkle to follow. I have become a pilot of my own car in my own road.
Though I am still in some kind of nightmare which is holding me tight. I feel I am following the limits of life without any passion left. Whose going to light a candle on my grave?
I am a stranger to my family and myself. Can I find anyone to take me out of this horror and put me on the bright spot? How to gain the spirit to win against all doubts and be more confident of my goals?
Ieva, lost in her dreams.
