"To unpathed waters, undreamed shores" (William Shakespeare)

So strange what love does...

One day I looked at myself in the mirror. I saw this girl under pressure for several reasons. First of all, job she has is unbearable and she started hating it from deep of her soul. Secondly, she is wanted to be accountant aka office cow, which she was trying to run away from since she was a child and everyone was pushing her to go to study law, economics and other similar subjects.

But that time girl was a rebel and while spitting everyone straight into their faces she ran away to study abroad. She chose to study films as she found that the creative side was becoming more and more powerful and needed more space to absorb different notes from the nature.

But being an artist isn't easily approved profession as we are living in capitalism. You can't be an artist without money. So the girl spent three years working more than studying to pay her accommodation and living.

As everyone has experience with their own skin: having money in your pocket makes you comfortable. And the girl forgot she had ambitions to prove people she didn't need to study law or economics...

Meanwhile I was looking at myself in the mirror, I noticed a little sparkle left in one eye. It was screaming to be out. I came all this way to be where I am now — unhappy. Great achievement, Ieva.

And from now own I made a promise to myself — fuck all accounting books and concentrate on what I my heart wants me to do.

When I read someone's autobiography, I find myself more excited about reading the empty pages. And I know that one day people will write about my life. And I will be just laughing at their interpretations of some certain my future decisions.

But now — I am my own god and I am responsible for my decisions. And I am not too sure if I feel confident about it.

Have you ever seen yourself drowning in water? I've done this twice. Every new experience brings you a bright sun sparkle to follow. I have become a pilot of my own car in my own road.

Though I am still in some kind of nightmare which is holding me tight. I feel I am following the limits of life without any passion left. Whose going to light a candle on my grave?

I am a stranger to my family and myself. Can I find anyone to take me out of this horror and put me on the bright spot? How to gain the spirit to win against all doubts and be more confident of my goals?

Ieva, lost in her dreams.

When the world ends I will probably be able to feel it. For now on the life revolves around the spoons...

What is like to be living in a foreign country? I ask this question myself quite often. Depending on a mood I get a few answers in my head:

1. Why the hell did I decide to come and live here?!

2. I don't really care about anything, I am just going with the flow towards maybe something more exciting.

3. What? Has it really been three years since I came here? Times flies by here when you jump into the rhythm of working 7 days a week...

4. I actually like living here — lovely town, great friends, different people and never ending days and nights.

And then I get weekly dreams of old places of Lithuania. Last night I had a strange dream that I was cycling to the park where my grandfather used to take me every weekend for a walk. And I dreamed I was there walking around and looking for him. But I couldn't see him. The colours of fall blinded me and I was lost in the forest among all dead leaves.

Shhh... Don't wake up the dead.

I wake up again here in the place where I am now. The same old building, the same boring walk to work. Back and forth back and forth. And I am swinging day to day in the same routine while a quiet man behind me whispers me: "For how long can pendulum swing left and right?".

I am very easily bored person. If I don't do anything exciting for a while, I become moody and miserable. It can't be changed.

I want to start the race now instead of waiting for a permission. Life is too short to settle down in one small town and wait for Tuesdays and Fridays to check the lottery and hope to win at least something to kick myself out to a new level of life. I'd better fall after trying to do something new and be slapped straight into my face than sit comfortably on the every day chair and hope one day I will be acknowledged. Wake up, Ieva, acknowledgement comes after failures and final winning of something you really believe in.

And I believe in myself as every person deserves to do so. It's time to start.

Ieva, in her best position to jump.

"Keep your dreams alive. Understand to achieve anything requires faith and belief in yourself, vision, hard work, determination, and dedication. Remember all things are possible for those who believe" (Gail Devers)

What a journey, so hard to describe.

Sometimes when you feel you are running to the right direction, someone punches you right in you face. This is how I feel at the moment.

You win you lose. So much to do here, and yet nothing is done. The books started falling from the unread pile one. Maybe it's the wind from the opened window...

The words I suddenly promise to myself disappear from my mouth and brain. Just the guilt left angrily reminding things I am supposed to do. I should start playing angry birds as the ones I have could easily kill the pigs hiding under the bricks.

Please, God, give me wings, I  fall on my knees and start begging in the land of green. I wish so many things sometimes that I get lost in my dreams. And I just wish to see my family. Again and again. Look at my mother's eyes, the ones I see sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror.

But it is not the end of the life, it is the beginning of the new period. Great changes and even higher expectations. It is perfect time to move on and start a new journey, new exciting way.

Caterpillar once grows up and becomes a beautiful butterfly.

The life is divided by so many roads with different directions that sometimes you have to close your eyes and listen to your heart which one you should choose.

At the moment I just wish I could exchange my fifteen minutes morning showers to relaxing bath with rose petals. Or fifteen minutes walk to work through the same road would be more appealing if I was going towards a certain ambition. Routine, only routine can kill the strongest.

But now I have to head to the kitchen to make myself coffee to keep it running.

I planted my little talent in the pot. I hope with a good care and love it will grow and flourish. I am what I am and I have to believe not only in others but in myself as well. I can see the bright future, just it takes time to choose the right way. My own way.

Ieva, walking through the jungle.

“We live as we dream — alone...” (Joseph Conrad)

Hello there lonely dull cloud. You are so grey today. Do you want to tell me something? Why are you so upset today? Cry, you lonely cloud. I know it would change your colour. Or you would disappear in your despair...

Sometimes I wish the life to be coloured by children's eyes. It would be so much easier to follow the meaning of the smile in that drawing on a wall painted by an unknown artist. I feel like old good brandy is my friend tonight caring me through the grey sky and leaving in a land of green. And I am drowning in purple flowers with a smile on my face. And that red poppy strikes my gaze. It is so fragile in a land of green. The wind can come anytime and take its uniqueness leaving unoriginal note people write after a drunk night they cannot remember.

We live. We breath in all good and bad things into ourselves making us polluted by high expectations from people with unreal desires. And we climb up to Everest trying to prove that we are better on the mountain of cold than on the land of sunshine. But why? Because we are blinded by appreciation and attention dull people give us?

I would rather go blind sometimes...

I feel I could sleep through my endless hopes and desires. But I could not stop climbing up to the great Mountain. Every meter brings me more and more difficulties but that is how I get closer to uninviting new environment. I feel that this cold is getting closer and closer to my heart. At the same time it melts like ice-cream in summer... Straight on my knees while sitting on a bench in a park and secretly watching a child trying to climb up the oak.

I am here alone, I create my life. I draw my own portrait. I will not draw Mona Lisa out of myself but I will try to show that beautifully subtle smile she has. It is so enchanting that I unintentionally sit down on the grass and look at the mirror. I am not a parody of Mona Lisa, no no. I am what I am — a human being. A poppy in a land of green. And we all should find our own colours refusing what is accepted.

And the top of the Everest does not seem that far away anymore.

I should go to talk to my friendly penguins. I forgot their marvelous green tea with a slice of lemon. And the stories about that  lonely old white bear living in a cave next to them always give me a good laugh.

Ieva, walking between the green and white.