“We live as we dream — alone...” (Joseph Conrad)

Hello there lonely dull cloud. You are so grey today. Do you want to tell me something? Why are you so upset today? Cry, you lonely cloud. I know it would change your colour. Or you would disappear in your despair...

Sometimes I wish the life to be coloured by children's eyes. It would be so much easier to follow the meaning of the smile in that drawing on a wall painted by an unknown artist. I feel like old good brandy is my friend tonight caring me through the grey sky and leaving in a land of green. And I am drowning in purple flowers with a smile on my face. And that red poppy strikes my gaze. It is so fragile in a land of green. The wind can come anytime and take its uniqueness leaving unoriginal note people write after a drunk night they cannot remember.

We live. We breath in all good and bad things into ourselves making us polluted by high expectations from people with unreal desires. And we climb up to Everest trying to prove that we are better on the mountain of cold than on the land of sunshine. But why? Because we are blinded by appreciation and attention dull people give us?

I would rather go blind sometimes...

I feel I could sleep through my endless hopes and desires. But I could not stop climbing up to the great Mountain. Every meter brings me more and more difficulties but that is how I get closer to uninviting new environment. I feel that this cold is getting closer and closer to my heart. At the same time it melts like ice-cream in summer... Straight on my knees while sitting on a bench in a park and secretly watching a child trying to climb up the oak.

I am here alone, I create my life. I draw my own portrait. I will not draw Mona Lisa out of myself but I will try to show that beautifully subtle smile she has. It is so enchanting that I unintentionally sit down on the grass and look at the mirror. I am not a parody of Mona Lisa, no no. I am what I am — a human being. A poppy in a land of green. And we all should find our own colours refusing what is accepted.

And the top of the Everest does not seem that far away anymore.

I should go to talk to my friendly penguins. I forgot their marvelous green tea with a slice of lemon. And the stories about that  lonely old white bear living in a cave next to them always give me a good laugh.

Ieva, walking between the green and white.

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do" (Eleanor Roosevelt)

Hello there dark dark night. You are so quiet and cold to me. I spent entire hour looking at you and waiting for a wisp of cloud to cut the moon in half. Again remembered crazy Salvador Dali. I wish I could see the world her perceived years ago. One marvelous dream wrapped in insanity. I bet he followed white rabbit which appeared from the tiny red doors behind the wardrobe. I would dare myself to follow my schedule only I must say.

Winter is here. The green has lost its battle against the white here in a land of cold. I should light a candle by my laptop to warm myself up. Shivering light is subtly hypnotizing. It takes me back to my childhood. Straight back to those desires I could not have. I remember how I wanted to play with some kids outside but they did not let me do that because I was too young. I used to bring pancakes my grandmother made for me to be accepted to take a small part in their foolish games. And it worked every time!

I wish I could use the power of pancakes every time I have to face a fear and refusal. Imagine: you make a plate of pancakes with maple syrup and strawberries for your future. And then leave it by the window at night for it to take it. And then next day you wake up on the island in the middle of Pacific ocean without your phone. And no one is able to ask you a question: "What are you going to do in the future?", with an expression on their faces saying "eventually you will end up in debt for you academic knowledge you will not need in your life because you will clean Trafalgar square every morning at 5 a.m". Oh no no no... I am a rocket man; suddenly I take off my spacesuit to get some fresh air. I should crawl through my life hoping for the future to take my pancakes...

Or should I just knock on Heaven's door?

Or I will beat all fears up leading myself to a dodgy place in my mind. Hello there, inspiration... Haven't seen you in a while.

Ieva, fighting her fears away.