"To unpathed waters, undreamed shores" (William Shakespeare)

So strange what love does...

One day I looked at myself in the mirror. I saw this girl under pressure for several reasons. First of all, job she has is unbearable and she started hating it from deep of her soul. Secondly, she is wanted to be accountant aka office cow, which she was trying to run away from since she was a child and everyone was pushing her to go to study law, economics and other similar subjects.

But that time girl was a rebel and while spitting everyone straight into their faces she ran away to study abroad. She chose to study films as she found that the creative side was becoming more and more powerful and needed more space to absorb different notes from the nature.

But being an artist isn't easily approved profession as we are living in capitalism. You can't be an artist without money. So the girl spent three years working more than studying to pay her accommodation and living.

As everyone has experience with their own skin: having money in your pocket makes you comfortable. And the girl forgot she had ambitions to prove people she didn't need to study law or economics...

Meanwhile I was looking at myself in the mirror, I noticed a little sparkle left in one eye. It was screaming to be out. I came all this way to be where I am now — unhappy. Great achievement, Ieva.

And from now own I made a promise to myself — fuck all accounting books and concentrate on what I my heart wants me to do.

When I read someone's autobiography, I find myself more excited about reading the empty pages. And I know that one day people will write about my life. And I will be just laughing at their interpretations of some certain my future decisions.

But now — I am my own god and I am responsible for my decisions. And I am not too sure if I feel confident about it.

Have you ever seen yourself drowning in water? I've done this twice. Every new experience brings you a bright sun sparkle to follow. I have become a pilot of my own car in my own road.

Though I am still in some kind of nightmare which is holding me tight. I feel I am following the limits of life without any passion left. Whose going to light a candle on my grave?

I am a stranger to my family and myself. Can I find anyone to take me out of this horror and put me on the bright spot? How to gain the spirit to win against all doubts and be more confident of my goals?

Ieva, lost in her dreams.

“Some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again.” ― C.S. Lewis

Once there was a little prince. He lived in his lonely planet with a rose. The rose seemed to be very demanding that one day little prince decided to go away and leave her alone to look after herself. He traveled miles and miles meeting new characters. Eventually he realized that the rose was the only one to him, his little flower. And he went back home to appreciate what he had. I am not sure what he found at home as probably Antoine left it for us to finish the story. Did he find the rose still loyally waiting for him or she died without no one looking after her? It is all up to our imagination leading us through the life.

What life should you choose? A life of an adventurous prince or fragile rose? Are you a strong oak or just an aspen on a windy mountain?

Doesn't matter what life you choose, it is how you live it. You need to do anything what makes you sophisticated. And the most important thing is to live in peace with your mind... and heart.

And there is that one time when you wake up with a realization that you need to leave. Leave job you do as it drains you from head to toes. Or just leave the town, where you grew up and start living in a foreign country. The world is too small to stay in one place. Especially if you have an adventurous heart or a hope to find a brighter place.

But somehow after running from one place to another you realize that there are no sweeter strawberries as you have at home. And there is nothing more precious than a morning coffee in a cafe with your own mother.

Irony is that every time I get an offer to taste home strawberries, I cannot feel the same flavor anymore. It is just the same as everywhere else. It appears to me that I grew up and now I have other priorities in my world — to look after my own family and fight for our health and happiness.

Soon our family will find special planet and plant roses. And not only roses for our little prince, but strawberries as well. So sweet as they used to be when we were children. There is no more "I" anymore. There is a greater power to push us forward to be adventurous and explore the world from new perspective.

Honey you are a rock, upon which I stand...

Ieva, starting new period of her life.

When the world ends I will probably be able to feel it. For now on the life revolves around the spoons...

What is like to be living in a foreign country? I ask this question myself quite often. Depending on a mood I get a few answers in my head:

1. Why the hell did I decide to come and live here?!

2. I don't really care about anything, I am just going with the flow towards maybe something more exciting.

3. What? Has it really been three years since I came here? Times flies by here when you jump into the rhythm of working 7 days a week...

4. I actually like living here — lovely town, great friends, different people and never ending days and nights.

And then I get weekly dreams of old places of Lithuania. Last night I had a strange dream that I was cycling to the park where my grandfather used to take me every weekend for a walk. And I dreamed I was there walking around and looking for him. But I couldn't see him. The colours of fall blinded me and I was lost in the forest among all dead leaves.

Shhh... Don't wake up the dead.

I wake up again here in the place where I am now. The same old building, the same boring walk to work. Back and forth back and forth. And I am swinging day to day in the same routine while a quiet man behind me whispers me: "For how long can pendulum swing left and right?".

I am very easily bored person. If I don't do anything exciting for a while, I become moody and miserable. It can't be changed.

I want to start the race now instead of waiting for a permission. Life is too short to settle down in one small town and wait for Tuesdays and Fridays to check the lottery and hope to win at least something to kick myself out to a new level of life. I'd better fall after trying to do something new and be slapped straight into my face than sit comfortably on the every day chair and hope one day I will be acknowledged. Wake up, Ieva, acknowledgement comes after failures and final winning of something you really believe in.

And I believe in myself as every person deserves to do so. It's time to start.

Ieva, in her best position to jump.

"Keep your dreams alive. Understand to achieve anything requires faith and belief in yourself, vision, hard work, determination, and dedication. Remember all things are possible for those who believe" (Gail Devers)

What a journey, so hard to describe.

Sometimes when you feel you are running to the right direction, someone punches you right in you face. This is how I feel at the moment.

You win you lose. So much to do here, and yet nothing is done. The books started falling from the unread pile one. Maybe it's the wind from the opened window...

The words I suddenly promise to myself disappear from my mouth and brain. Just the guilt left angrily reminding things I am supposed to do. I should start playing angry birds as the ones I have could easily kill the pigs hiding under the bricks.

Please, God, give me wings, I  fall on my knees and start begging in the land of green. I wish so many things sometimes that I get lost in my dreams. And I just wish to see my family. Again and again. Look at my mother's eyes, the ones I see sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror.

But it is not the end of the life, it is the beginning of the new period. Great changes and even higher expectations. It is perfect time to move on and start a new journey, new exciting way.

Caterpillar once grows up and becomes a beautiful butterfly.

The life is divided by so many roads with different directions that sometimes you have to close your eyes and listen to your heart which one you should choose.

At the moment I just wish I could exchange my fifteen minutes morning showers to relaxing bath with rose petals. Or fifteen minutes walk to work through the same road would be more appealing if I was going towards a certain ambition. Routine, only routine can kill the strongest.

But now I have to head to the kitchen to make myself coffee to keep it running.

I planted my little talent in the pot. I hope with a good care and love it will grow and flourish. I am what I am and I have to believe not only in others but in myself as well. I can see the bright future, just it takes time to choose the right way. My own way.

Ieva, walking through the jungle.

"Life is too short to worry about anything. You had better enjoy it because the next day promises nothing" (Eric Davis)

Hi there, I am looking for a job. At the moment I am running around like my head was on fire. And yet the water in the glass is still. Need some sparkle.

I cannot close my eyes any more. I have to look around the reality. Where I am, who I am. I am going to buy a ticket. Goodybag goodybag. Life is divided by monthly payments.  After all, I have started realizing that nothing actually here does make sense. Maybe I should go home? Ashes to ashes, we all fall down to the same place. To the same green land with sweet strawberries. You pick one and you suck it with all the dirt it has on to be united with your land.

And here I cannot even have a dog. Because dog is dirty. Dog is filthy. Dog's place is outside. All my childhood I considered my dog as my brother and I have been told that the dog is just animal. No no no... I still believe that dogs are better friends than people.

But anyway, it is not about the dogs I am trying to think of. It the thing what I recently discovered. I have a limited time offer to change my life now. Probably I shouldn't waste my time any more as it is too precious. And yet I sill manage to climb on top of my misery and disappointment. I am still walking trying to catch my fields of gold. And after having spent my days watching the rain I suddenly realise that the only thing I am not capable of is... Enjoy.

But am I capable of carrying on? Am I capable of showing new life around. I am not a tour guide, no no. I am still living above the trees... Flying between mountains and rivers looking for the right place to satisfy my thirst and hunger. I cannot lose my dreams I have built, the ones which gave me hope to thrive.

And after all I still find myself fighting against something.

Ieva, silently fighting her way through.

"One can survive everything, nowadays, except death, and live down everything except a good reputation" (Oscar Wilde)

Hi again. It is sunny today. Actually, it has been sunny lately. Everyone is enjoying time outside having a coffee or a beer while I am serving them and trying to clear the tables for new customers coming over to appreciate the joy of spring. I suddenly have a slight touch of jealousy while looking at people enjoying their weekends off. For me they are the busiest work days.

I have a small issue. I can't stop working. I constantly have to do something; otherwise I feel down and useless. I wake up 7.30 am in the morning and start my day. I go to work to the restaurant, then I go home and continue working. Day after day. The fact is that I enjoy doing that as  I do not need to think about other things in life such as calling my family and asking if everything is ok for them. When my grandfather was alive I used to care more about communication just to make sure he was fine. Now I more care about keeping my section nice and tidy.

Today is Monday, my day off from the restaurant. I should come out and enjoy the warmth of sun, but I'm here at home listening to music and writing. My mind is dangerous when it gets rest. It might not start working again if it stops. I should call an engineer to fix me. Or I should carry on doing whatever I am trying to construct and wait for the overheating process.

Anyway, you need to do in your life anything what makes you happy. Anything what makes you feel you are worth living in this busy world.

And it doesn't matter how many empty plates I will need to take from the tables to please the customers, I need to believe that everything has a reason. It doesn't matter what job you do as long as you do it well... and with the bright mind.

Everyone has gone crazy lately. Europe is crazy about electing perfect candidates for Eurovision Song Contest. Putin is crazy about Ukraine; Ukraine is crazy about Putin. Massive psychosis, to sum up.

And I am just a passenger... Walking in towards the fields of hope and consciousness.

Ieva, trying to avoid global problems.

"You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life" (Alber Camus)

Close your eyes and see the world I see now. That old house by a river in the middle of the woods. A blue sun drowned in a yellow sky. And the rain colored in red.

It is not truth or a lie. It is what you create in your unconscious mind. Keep dreaming.

Everyone always is rushing. To eat. To relax. To go back to work. To be happy. To cry. We hide our emotions in the box inside ourselves and hope they never get out. We die without ever having a possibility to love somebody. And then we realize that all our lives we've been waiting for that chance (which never came) and wasted our time on trying to be perfect, trying to fit the frame of sympathy and and "being normal".

Only a few people managed to get out of the market of empty souls. And sometimes I still find my heart screaming "I WANT TO GO HOME. I WANT TO GO HOME...". And I know there is nothing I can do. Just quietly wait for a chance to go up to the mountain with a pain in the heart. Or drink a glass or two of wine and smile.

Still looking for freedom...

Sometimes I really struggle with my mind. It takes me so deep in the cave that I am not even sure any more if I can find a way out. Dangerous people have dangerous minds. Or it is the mind which makes them dangerous.

And they stand outside the house every morning and stare at me with an irony in their faces. Stop dreaming, Ieva, it is not good for you. Go better do your homework. You want learn to count money if you don't solve this maths task. Haa... If only I know before that actual maths exam at school would come useful in live. My foolish dreams betrayed me telling that it was easy to be an artist. No no, even artists nowadays have to pass maths. Why? Because you have to know the value of your talent and to count if you can make a profit from it. Probably, 90% of those who chose to study arts would have turned around at school and picked a safer way. Keep counting, Ieva, prove you identity and skills.

And now I will go outside to the storm and drown my disappointment in the rain. I will melt like chocolate close to the fire and drink myself trying to relax and focus.... On counting, writing, reading, believing... whatever.

The most important challenge to me right know is to learn to love. Then I will see.

Ieva, counting her time.