“I come in a world of iron...to make a world of gold” ― Dale Wasserman, Man of La Mancha

Friday is a writing day. At least, that is what I hear in my head constantly. One Friday goes and another comes and I am still on my blank page. If I do write something, when I read it it feels like an old snake skin — uncanny to touch yet you feel a need to peel it off. I delete more words than I type.

I am my own challenge. I am unemployed unofficially as I have realized that doing the job where you don't see perspectives is just a comfortable waste of time. Yet I still do a job I cannot resign from. You see the time passing by, you keep yourself ''very busy'' with running away from self improvement and you cure your meat for too long that it becomes so dry that you need to put a splash of extra virgin olive oil to moisturise your pallets. Chew what you have made. Chew your old dreams and ambitions because that is the last pleasure you have left.

We live in the world where to complain is understood as a way of expressing opinion. If you go to YouTube to listen to some songs, there will always be someone to dislike some videos or songs. Or someone gives one star for dining experience in the restaurant. It's popular to be negative on social networks. If you don't like it, you leave. Accept it or forget it. Even if you live in England. But hey, I am just a foreigner...

I am in my own agony. I reached the point when I need some changes. I need to wear my old shoes and walk again the same road to see what I can change. The old maple try has faded in my despair. I can only see the old wooden cross far in the horizon. Shameless loss of belief for someone who doesn't deserve your time.

So much grudge I am carrying in my chest at the moment that I cannot see properly the reality. I lost the keys of my own home. Trapped between guilt and a will to live happily ever after.

I can change I can change I can change but who you want me to be?...

Be polite, sneeze with your mouth covered, wash your hands after. Don't spread the bacteria. You are useless note on the wall. All the rules and regulations.

Your one hand seeks for emergency exit and the other one takes you back to your numbness.

Congratulations, you finally entered the world. They will tie your hands and cover your eyes. Walk straight and with no hesitation. If you stop, they will peel your skin and put you in the gas camera to slowly suffocate on your doubts.

Live fast or be alive for long.


Ieva, trying to find her old shoes.

P.S. Don't be with a person who doesn't see anything else apart from his ego. I have been consumed for too long...

''The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.'' (Ernest Hemingway)

I am not sure if there is another reason we are so mentally ill if not the matter of money. We believe we need it to buy things. We spend thousands on the dogs instead of adopting ones from the shelters. We go on holidays to relax from the stress the money causes.

One day I was walking back home from the town and as usually thinking about everything. And then I came up with an idea that if I ever earned at least £26000 (probably some people think that it is a joke to earn this amount of money in England, but, hey, as a Lithuanian, I am not asking much to fulfill my needs), I would donate £1500 to the charity, to children.

Children are our future, and sometimes they need a little help to move on to achieve something. Maybe they are the ones who will make changes in the degrading world.

The day after I was pleasantly surprised to receive a cheque from the government with a certain amount of money because apparently I overpaid the tax. Next day, I donated 10% of the amount to children, who are in need of money more than I am. Sometimes you need less than you think to make changes. I am certainly not looking for appraisal for doing so; I am just genially do not feel that I need all the money I get. And if I need, for what? To buy a packet of cigarettes? To put some implants in my breast to make them look more attractive? Or should I go buy finally new shoes for winter? I might just wait until I loose the sole in that case.

I feel I am a bit lost between my feelings and my fear. I need a great change, I am craving for a nice smell of freedom and creativity. Like the apple pie, I need to taste it hot and fresh, otherwise there is no point of putting it in my mouth and trying to chew.

I feel I lost my dreams and ambitions because I took the wrong turn. Hey, I am a fresh driver, I can make mistakes! I need to practice better to be more confident with myself. One person said to me when I mentioned that I would be interested  in working in film industry: "You need to be confident, that's all''. I spent my first year in the University of being afraid to speak English, second being not sure about my accent, and the third one I just skipped half of the lectures because I needed to work, and then I lost interest in studying.

Feeling a bit grungy today. I think It is time to pick up my pieces and go home...

One thing I am sure now, it is time to leave one thing. Anyone spare me a job?



Ieva, observing the nature.

"And I can't be running back and fourth forever between grief and high delight." ― J.D. Salinger

When I start getting into the idea of the relationship of love and hate, everything seems to look the same. Probably about 70% (assuming) of people will like you and think that you are a nice person. 20% will hate you for some reason (they might not like your hair, your face, your thoughts, or will just want to punch you right into the face for no reason at all). Last 10% I give to very close people. Only those ten percent are the ones who will stand next to you when you are in your unrealistic dreams and will hug you when you fail to make them come true.

I think I would hit about 80% for my exam of success. But only from the second time. The first time I would fail. I have always been quite good with my second times. I think it is all because I am the second child in the family. I have grown under the supervision of my older sister. I was always good with the things she experienced, and what I had to experience myself without her I failed. But it's alright. Everyone fails to do most of the things from the first time. They are life lessons to learn and to accept. They make us be who we are now — humans.

I can always be found...

Greece failed to be in European Union; now it is their second chance. And I believe everything will go smoother than the first time. It's all about what you learn in the moment of the imaginary defeat. As soon as you realize that it is just a tough hit in your ribs but they are still fine, you hit back with greater power. Hit and not miss this time.

From  my experience, I managed to fail my driving test the first time. I was very upset about it because I was in my last month of pregnancy and didn't have much time. And then I stood up and managed to take another one before my Mr was born... Actually, he was born within two days after I passed my driving test. Lucky me to still park the car correctly with the belly popped out and baby constantly kicking!

Anyway,  I have been a bit put off from trying to be involved in professional photography. It seems that everyone who can afford to buy a better camera and know how to use Photoshop (or to hide spots and make you look better and smarter than you are in reality), offer (un)professional photography sessions. Seriously? It makes me feel like only people who don't have enough brain and courage to achieve something better, become photographers. I think photography because of social networks became like daily cup of coffee — you won't function well if you don't intake a good dose of caffeine.

I still love taking photos, but I think I need to restructure some priorities before becoming another clown posting photos and seeking for likes with a special signature on the right bottom of the photo reserving my rights. Wait, if I put a signature, am I counted as a professional photographer?

Anyway, at the moment I have other things in my concern, and it is not Greece or my career. Time flies, I am still at home on the computer debating if today it is going to rain. I have a lot of mixed up feeling and feeling a bit confused about the environment around me.

Even the gender and sexuality now confuse me. I am not writing essay about this topic as we, film students, constantly used to do in the University. The other day I was passing by the park. It was a sunny beautiful day, and, of course, park was full of people. And I saw two ladies sitting and chatting, and I started thinking whether they are lesbians or not. I am not homophobic, it is just because of this gay rights topic all over society, it grew in my brain like a tumor the confusion of homosexuals and heterosexuals and keeps bothering me. Are we becoming a ''genderless'' society?

I am not the judge and I am more than happy to see same gender couples together being happy instead of hiding their identities and inhibiting their sexuality, later turning to aggressive acts towards other people.

Live, love, laugh, as it is said. Difference is the tool making us interested and interesting.

Ieva, hunting sunny spells.

“Nobody is mysteriously mysterious. To be mysterious all it takes is hard work, misdirection, and a fog machine.” (Jarod Kintz)

It is great to be outside when the Sun is out. A bit of tan would do good to my pale skin. It's already spring! Beautiful.

It kind of reminds me the time when I was in my first year of University. Lovely spring. I can see myself going up to hill with a huge shopping bag (the environmental friendly one, surprisingly). Then stopping in the middle of the way and enjoying a cigarette, which clearly made sense to have it even though I was completely out of breath, on the same bench every time.

But enough about my memories. I have been quite busy recently with my so called new project ''Valentino''. But despite it, I have been thinking (as I always do this — more action, please!) about certain human behaviors I don't really get. If there is anyone actually who could give me an answer (and anyone who reads it), I am more than happy to listen to your opinion. Because of this life time project, I did not have much chance to discuss much with people while having a nice cup of strong long coffee.

First of all, one thing that is really bothering me is uploading your children's photos on social networks. Seriously?! You take the identity of your child before he even understand he exists. I believe you should allow your child to grow up enough to do it himself. I mean, I completely understand how proud you are to be mother, father, grandmother, cousin or neighbor of this child, but, please, don't share it on the internet where the data no matter if deleted or not stays there like 3rd stage cancer in young man's body. Imagine if you post your little girl's photo playing outside with her lovely bright red dress, and some pedophile (might not happen but, hey, there's always a chance) downloads the picture and pleases himself while creating some disgusting things in his head what he would do with your little one!

Born and raised by those who praise...

It is harsh, but you have to face all aspects of reality. As the environment is more and more polluted every year, humanity observes its all negativity. Every year, you can read terrible things about human behavior and you debate yourself how it is actually possible to come up with such an idea. For example, the recent news everybody must have read about. This pilot was so depressed that instead of hanging himself in the shed in his garden, he decided to crash the plane to French Alps killing 148 other people. I guess he didn't have a shed and the garden? The irony is that because of his illness he is completely innocent. God bless the law! That is another reason why we should save environment because, sooner we know, we all will become beasts living in the caves and attacking each other verbally, physically and psychologically.

Nowadays, the global warming warns me less than the headlines of the newspapers. I understand that it is quite commercial as well to intrigue a consumer with a story so he brainlessly purchase it to feed his imagination. All news are the same, only expressed in different words. I can divide all of them in four main categories: Putin, Elections, EU and Pulp Fiction. You know, at this point I'd better choose to read fictional books.

Anyway, I am not too sure if I raised any questions but I am sure for one: world is not a mystery anymore. Everything has become too bland and obvious. I think everyone can now become sidekicks and predict the future. Only lottery on TV is a mystery. I never manage to win.

Anyway, there are two things I really wish for now. First, alien invasion. And second, go home and see my family. The second one will become real soon. About the first, will see...

Ieva, trying haunt the time.

When people are taken out of their depths they lose their heads, no matter how charming a bluff they may put up" (F. Scott Fitzgerald)

Seems like the world is going crazy nowadays. Are we going up or down? Did we just exchange self-consciousness to unconscious stupidity?

Seems like it has been years since we used to play table games or cards with friends having a chilled evening without alcoholic drinks. Now everyone expects you to dress up, emphasize on décolleté (if you are a woman), put a hell of amount of make up and go out trying to seek attention. Hey, you didn't have a good night if your photos are not  posted on Instagram or Facebook with your name tagged within next week. Living the life at the fullest. Might be the time to change my profile picture. Hash tag hash tag... Like like like. Comment. Interesting rhythm kicks in my brain. Or brainwash.

The society loosing its face in the never ending entertainment hall. There are no windows, only a smartphone. And you are walking without looking around. Express your numb feelings about the girl who was next to your for so long that you can smell her perfume a kilometre away. But you lost your chance while being online and updating your status how lonely you feel sometimes.

It is nothing wrong to use internet as long as we don't forget to use our brains and we still can differentiate between reality and the unreal. Suddenly I turn to the mirror and look at myself. The reflection of it is what I create in my mind. Might not be the most objective perspective the mirror, but can social networks reveal something more real than a real reflection?

I am getting confused in my twisted mind. I have so many thoughts on my mind that sometimes I struggle to speak up. Remember, nodding is good too, Ieva,..

Anyway, I am feeling a bit sensitive today and would like to have a little faith in myself. I would like to describe myself as an artist. I need inspiration to be happy and create beauty from my twisted mind. Write twelve biographies and thirteen fictional novels. And most important — take the best moments in people’s lives and feed my adventurous heart with travels. Inspire my friends and be inspired by them.

I would like to thank my sister. Her note with one of my writing framed I got as a present still makes me cry and be proud. I love you with all my heart.

Ieva, listening too much of Joe Cocker.

"To unpathed waters, undreamed shores" (William Shakespeare)

So strange what love does...

One day I looked at myself in the mirror. I saw this girl under pressure for several reasons. First of all, job she has is unbearable and she started hating it from deep of her soul. Secondly, she is wanted to be accountant aka office cow, which she was trying to run away from since she was a child and everyone was pushing her to go to study law, economics and other similar subjects.

But that time girl was a rebel and while spitting everyone straight into their faces she ran away to study abroad. She chose to study films as she found that the creative side was becoming more and more powerful and needed more space to absorb different notes from the nature.

But being an artist isn't easily approved profession as we are living in capitalism. You can't be an artist without money. So the girl spent three years working more than studying to pay her accommodation and living.

As everyone has experience with their own skin: having money in your pocket makes you comfortable. And the girl forgot she had ambitions to prove people she didn't need to study law or economics...

Meanwhile I was looking at myself in the mirror, I noticed a little sparkle left in one eye. It was screaming to be out. I came all this way to be where I am now — unhappy. Great achievement, Ieva.

And from now own I made a promise to myself — fuck all accounting books and concentrate on what I my heart wants me to do.

When I read someone's autobiography, I find myself more excited about reading the empty pages. And I know that one day people will write about my life. And I will be just laughing at their interpretations of some certain my future decisions.

But now — I am my own god and I am responsible for my decisions. And I am not too sure if I feel confident about it.

Have you ever seen yourself drowning in water? I've done this twice. Every new experience brings you a bright sun sparkle to follow. I have become a pilot of my own car in my own road.

Though I am still in some kind of nightmare which is holding me tight. I feel I am following the limits of life without any passion left. Whose going to light a candle on my grave?

I am a stranger to my family and myself. Can I find anyone to take me out of this horror and put me on the bright spot? How to gain the spirit to win against all doubts and be more confident of my goals?

Ieva, lost in her dreams.

“Some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again.” ― C.S. Lewis

Once there was a little prince. He lived in his lonely planet with a rose. The rose seemed to be very demanding that one day little prince decided to go away and leave her alone to look after herself. He traveled miles and miles meeting new characters. Eventually he realized that the rose was the only one to him, his little flower. And he went back home to appreciate what he had. I am not sure what he found at home as probably Antoine left it for us to finish the story. Did he find the rose still loyally waiting for him or she died without no one looking after her? It is all up to our imagination leading us through the life.

What life should you choose? A life of an adventurous prince or fragile rose? Are you a strong oak or just an aspen on a windy mountain?

Doesn't matter what life you choose, it is how you live it. You need to do anything what makes you sophisticated. And the most important thing is to live in peace with your mind... and heart.

And there is that one time when you wake up with a realization that you need to leave. Leave job you do as it drains you from head to toes. Or just leave the town, where you grew up and start living in a foreign country. The world is too small to stay in one place. Especially if you have an adventurous heart or a hope to find a brighter place.

But somehow after running from one place to another you realize that there are no sweeter strawberries as you have at home. And there is nothing more precious than a morning coffee in a cafe with your own mother.

Irony is that every time I get an offer to taste home strawberries, I cannot feel the same flavor anymore. It is just the same as everywhere else. It appears to me that I grew up and now I have other priorities in my world — to look after my own family and fight for our health and happiness.

Soon our family will find special planet and plant roses. And not only roses for our little prince, but strawberries as well. So sweet as they used to be when we were children. There is no more "I" anymore. There is a greater power to push us forward to be adventurous and explore the world from new perspective.

Honey you are a rock, upon which I stand...

Ieva, starting new period of her life.