"Keep your dreams alive. Understand to achieve anything requires faith and belief in yourself, vision, hard work, determination, and dedication. Remember all things are possible for those who believe" (Gail Devers)

What a journey, so hard to describe.

Sometimes when you feel you are running to the right direction, someone punches you right in you face. This is how I feel at the moment.

You win you lose. So much to do here, and yet nothing is done. The books started falling from the unread pile one. Maybe it's the wind from the opened window...

The words I suddenly promise to myself disappear from my mouth and brain. Just the guilt left angrily reminding things I am supposed to do. I should start playing angry birds as the ones I have could easily kill the pigs hiding under the bricks.

Please, God, give me wings, I  fall on my knees and start begging in the land of green. I wish so many things sometimes that I get lost in my dreams. And I just wish to see my family. Again and again. Look at my mother's eyes, the ones I see sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror.

But it is not the end of the life, it is the beginning of the new period. Great changes and even higher expectations. It is perfect time to move on and start a new journey, new exciting way.

Caterpillar once grows up and becomes a beautiful butterfly.

The life is divided by so many roads with different directions that sometimes you have to close your eyes and listen to your heart which one you should choose.

At the moment I just wish I could exchange my fifteen minutes morning showers to relaxing bath with rose petals. Or fifteen minutes walk to work through the same road would be more appealing if I was going towards a certain ambition. Routine, only routine can kill the strongest.

But now I have to head to the kitchen to make myself coffee to keep it running.

I planted my little talent in the pot. I hope with a good care and love it will grow and flourish. I am what I am and I have to believe not only in others but in myself as well. I can see the bright future, just it takes time to choose the right way. My own way.

Ieva, walking through the jungle.

"Life is too short to worry about anything. You had better enjoy it because the next day promises nothing" (Eric Davis)

Hi there, I am looking for a job. At the moment I am running around like my head was on fire. And yet the water in the glass is still. Need some sparkle.

I cannot close my eyes any more. I have to look around the reality. Where I am, who I am. I am going to buy a ticket. Goodybag goodybag. Life is divided by monthly payments.  After all, I have started realizing that nothing actually here does make sense. Maybe I should go home? Ashes to ashes, we all fall down to the same place. To the same green land with sweet strawberries. You pick one and you suck it with all the dirt it has on to be united with your land.

And here I cannot even have a dog. Because dog is dirty. Dog is filthy. Dog's place is outside. All my childhood I considered my dog as my brother and I have been told that the dog is just animal. No no no... I still believe that dogs are better friends than people.

But anyway, it is not about the dogs I am trying to think of. It the thing what I recently discovered. I have a limited time offer to change my life now. Probably I shouldn't waste my time any more as it is too precious. And yet I sill manage to climb on top of my misery and disappointment. I am still walking trying to catch my fields of gold. And after having spent my days watching the rain I suddenly realise that the only thing I am not capable of is... Enjoy.

But am I capable of carrying on? Am I capable of showing new life around. I am not a tour guide, no no. I am still living above the trees... Flying between mountains and rivers looking for the right place to satisfy my thirst and hunger. I cannot lose my dreams I have built, the ones which gave me hope to thrive.

And after all I still find myself fighting against something.

Ieva, silently fighting her way through.

"One can survive everything, nowadays, except death, and live down everything except a good reputation" (Oscar Wilde)

Hi again. It is sunny today. Actually, it has been sunny lately. Everyone is enjoying time outside having a coffee or a beer while I am serving them and trying to clear the tables for new customers coming over to appreciate the joy of spring. I suddenly have a slight touch of jealousy while looking at people enjoying their weekends off. For me they are the busiest work days.

I have a small issue. I can't stop working. I constantly have to do something; otherwise I feel down and useless. I wake up 7.30 am in the morning and start my day. I go to work to the restaurant, then I go home and continue working. Day after day. The fact is that I enjoy doing that as  I do not need to think about other things in life such as calling my family and asking if everything is ok for them. When my grandfather was alive I used to care more about communication just to make sure he was fine. Now I more care about keeping my section nice and tidy.

Today is Monday, my day off from the restaurant. I should come out and enjoy the warmth of sun, but I'm here at home listening to music and writing. My mind is dangerous when it gets rest. It might not start working again if it stops. I should call an engineer to fix me. Or I should carry on doing whatever I am trying to construct and wait for the overheating process.

Anyway, you need to do in your life anything what makes you happy. Anything what makes you feel you are worth living in this busy world.

And it doesn't matter how many empty plates I will need to take from the tables to please the customers, I need to believe that everything has a reason. It doesn't matter what job you do as long as you do it well... and with the bright mind.

Everyone has gone crazy lately. Europe is crazy about electing perfect candidates for Eurovision Song Contest. Putin is crazy about Ukraine; Ukraine is crazy about Putin. Massive psychosis, to sum up.

And I am just a passenger... Walking in towards the fields of hope and consciousness.

Ieva, trying to avoid global problems.

"You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life" (Alber Camus)

Close your eyes and see the world I see now. That old house by a river in the middle of the woods. A blue sun drowned in a yellow sky. And the rain colored in red.

It is not truth or a lie. It is what you create in your unconscious mind. Keep dreaming.

Everyone always is rushing. To eat. To relax. To go back to work. To be happy. To cry. We hide our emotions in the box inside ourselves and hope they never get out. We die without ever having a possibility to love somebody. And then we realize that all our lives we've been waiting for that chance (which never came) and wasted our time on trying to be perfect, trying to fit the frame of sympathy and and "being normal".

Only a few people managed to get out of the market of empty souls. And sometimes I still find my heart screaming "I WANT TO GO HOME. I WANT TO GO HOME...". And I know there is nothing I can do. Just quietly wait for a chance to go up to the mountain with a pain in the heart. Or drink a glass or two of wine and smile.

Still looking for freedom...

Sometimes I really struggle with my mind. It takes me so deep in the cave that I am not even sure any more if I can find a way out. Dangerous people have dangerous minds. Or it is the mind which makes them dangerous.

And they stand outside the house every morning and stare at me with an irony in their faces. Stop dreaming, Ieva, it is not good for you. Go better do your homework. You want learn to count money if you don't solve this maths task. Haa... If only I know before that actual maths exam at school would come useful in live. My foolish dreams betrayed me telling that it was easy to be an artist. No no, even artists nowadays have to pass maths. Why? Because you have to know the value of your talent and to count if you can make a profit from it. Probably, 90% of those who chose to study arts would have turned around at school and picked a safer way. Keep counting, Ieva, prove you identity and skills.

And now I will go outside to the storm and drown my disappointment in the rain. I will melt like chocolate close to the fire and drink myself trying to relax and focus.... On counting, writing, reading, believing... whatever.

The most important challenge to me right know is to learn to love. Then I will see.

Ieva, counting her time.

“We live as we dream — alone...” (Joseph Conrad)

Hello there lonely dull cloud. You are so grey today. Do you want to tell me something? Why are you so upset today? Cry, you lonely cloud. I know it would change your colour. Or you would disappear in your despair...

Sometimes I wish the life to be coloured by children's eyes. It would be so much easier to follow the meaning of the smile in that drawing on a wall painted by an unknown artist. I feel like old good brandy is my friend tonight caring me through the grey sky and leaving in a land of green. And I am drowning in purple flowers with a smile on my face. And that red poppy strikes my gaze. It is so fragile in a land of green. The wind can come anytime and take its uniqueness leaving unoriginal note people write after a drunk night they cannot remember.

We live. We breath in all good and bad things into ourselves making us polluted by high expectations from people with unreal desires. And we climb up to Everest trying to prove that we are better on the mountain of cold than on the land of sunshine. But why? Because we are blinded by appreciation and attention dull people give us?

I would rather go blind sometimes...

I feel I could sleep through my endless hopes and desires. But I could not stop climbing up to the great Mountain. Every meter brings me more and more difficulties but that is how I get closer to uninviting new environment. I feel that this cold is getting closer and closer to my heart. At the same time it melts like ice-cream in summer... Straight on my knees while sitting on a bench in a park and secretly watching a child trying to climb up the oak.

I am here alone, I create my life. I draw my own portrait. I will not draw Mona Lisa out of myself but I will try to show that beautifully subtle smile she has. It is so enchanting that I unintentionally sit down on the grass and look at the mirror. I am not a parody of Mona Lisa, no no. I am what I am — a human being. A poppy in a land of green. And we all should find our own colours refusing what is accepted.

And the top of the Everest does not seem that far away anymore.

I should go to talk to my friendly penguins. I forgot their marvelous green tea with a slice of lemon. And the stories about that  lonely old white bear living in a cave next to them always give me a good laugh.

Ieva, walking between the green and white.

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do" (Eleanor Roosevelt)

Hello there dark dark night. You are so quiet and cold to me. I spent entire hour looking at you and waiting for a wisp of cloud to cut the moon in half. Again remembered crazy Salvador Dali. I wish I could see the world her perceived years ago. One marvelous dream wrapped in insanity. I bet he followed white rabbit which appeared from the tiny red doors behind the wardrobe. I would dare myself to follow my schedule only I must say.

Winter is here. The green has lost its battle against the white here in a land of cold. I should light a candle by my laptop to warm myself up. Shivering light is subtly hypnotizing. It takes me back to my childhood. Straight back to those desires I could not have. I remember how I wanted to play with some kids outside but they did not let me do that because I was too young. I used to bring pancakes my grandmother made for me to be accepted to take a small part in their foolish games. And it worked every time!

I wish I could use the power of pancakes every time I have to face a fear and refusal. Imagine: you make a plate of pancakes with maple syrup and strawberries for your future. And then leave it by the window at night for it to take it. And then next day you wake up on the island in the middle of Pacific ocean without your phone. And no one is able to ask you a question: "What are you going to do in the future?", with an expression on their faces saying "eventually you will end up in debt for you academic knowledge you will not need in your life because you will clean Trafalgar square every morning at 5 a.m". Oh no no no... I am a rocket man; suddenly I take off my spacesuit to get some fresh air. I should crawl through my life hoping for the future to take my pancakes...

Or should I just knock on Heaven's door?

Or I will beat all fears up leading myself to a dodgy place in my mind. Hello there, inspiration... Haven't seen you in a while.

Ieva, fighting her fears away.

"The concept of absurdity is something I'm attracted to" — David Lynch

Sometimes I like Autumn. Especially, sunny days in the park when I can observe colourful environment of dying nature. Isn't that ironic? The nature dies at the highest point of its beauty... Then rain starts and my dream fades out. Everything becomes grey and dull, just like my academic essays about the topic I have nothing to say. Welcome to the University — creativity is left in agony, and your  misunderstanding of life strikes from the dark room of your mind.

I need a key to unlock my positive thinking I guess. And stop complaining about things that are not even important. Apparently, my Lithuanian mentality is stronger than my passion for life. And the only thing, what I would like to do now is be somewhere else. Go and travel, explore myself and my mind.

I have a feeling that I am losing my friends, people I love. Why? Is that because I have changed? Or just my hope confuses me when I keep waiting for the most important person to show up online. Though I know it will never happen...

Everyone I know goes away in the end...

But I found a perfect treatment for my misery — films with happy endings. Despite all problems the characters have to face, they still end up happily. So sentimental, but sometimes we damn need it!

And now I will drink coffee, tea, then tea and coffee... And wait until I see a bright day. Snow would help too!

Ieva, in search for optimism.