"One can survive everything, nowadays, except death, and live down everything except a good reputation" (Oscar Wilde)

Hi again. It is sunny today. Actually, it has been sunny lately. Everyone is enjoying time outside having a coffee or a beer while I am serving them and trying to clear the tables for new customers coming over to appreciate the joy of spring. I suddenly have a slight touch of jealousy while looking at people enjoying their weekends off. For me they are the busiest work days.

I have a small issue. I can't stop working. I constantly have to do something; otherwise I feel down and useless. I wake up 7.30 am in the morning and start my day. I go to work to the restaurant, then I go home and continue working. Day after day. The fact is that I enjoy doing that as  I do not need to think about other things in life such as calling my family and asking if everything is ok for them. When my grandfather was alive I used to care more about communication just to make sure he was fine. Now I more care about keeping my section nice and tidy.

Today is Monday, my day off from the restaurant. I should come out and enjoy the warmth of sun, but I'm here at home listening to music and writing. My mind is dangerous when it gets rest. It might not start working again if it stops. I should call an engineer to fix me. Or I should carry on doing whatever I am trying to construct and wait for the overheating process.

Anyway, you need to do in your life anything what makes you happy. Anything what makes you feel you are worth living in this busy world.

And it doesn't matter how many empty plates I will need to take from the tables to please the customers, I need to believe that everything has a reason. It doesn't matter what job you do as long as you do it well... and with the bright mind.

Everyone has gone crazy lately. Europe is crazy about electing perfect candidates for Eurovision Song Contest. Putin is crazy about Ukraine; Ukraine is crazy about Putin. Massive psychosis, to sum up.

And I am just a passenger... Walking in towards the fields of hope and consciousness.

Ieva, trying to avoid global problems.

"You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life" (Alber Camus)

Close your eyes and see the world I see now. That old house by a river in the middle of the woods. A blue sun drowned in a yellow sky. And the rain colored in red.

It is not truth or a lie. It is what you create in your unconscious mind. Keep dreaming.

Everyone always is rushing. To eat. To relax. To go back to work. To be happy. To cry. We hide our emotions in the box inside ourselves and hope they never get out. We die without ever having a possibility to love somebody. And then we realize that all our lives we've been waiting for that chance (which never came) and wasted our time on trying to be perfect, trying to fit the frame of sympathy and and "being normal".

Only a few people managed to get out of the market of empty souls. And sometimes I still find my heart screaming "I WANT TO GO HOME. I WANT TO GO HOME...". And I know there is nothing I can do. Just quietly wait for a chance to go up to the mountain with a pain in the heart. Or drink a glass or two of wine and smile.

Still looking for freedom...

Sometimes I really struggle with my mind. It takes me so deep in the cave that I am not even sure any more if I can find a way out. Dangerous people have dangerous minds. Or it is the mind which makes them dangerous.

And they stand outside the house every morning and stare at me with an irony in their faces. Stop dreaming, Ieva, it is not good for you. Go better do your homework. You want learn to count money if you don't solve this maths task. Haa... If only I know before that actual maths exam at school would come useful in live. My foolish dreams betrayed me telling that it was easy to be an artist. No no, even artists nowadays have to pass maths. Why? Because you have to know the value of your talent and to count if you can make a profit from it. Probably, 90% of those who chose to study arts would have turned around at school and picked a safer way. Keep counting, Ieva, prove you identity and skills.

And now I will go outside to the storm and drown my disappointment in the rain. I will melt like chocolate close to the fire and drink myself trying to relax and focus.... On counting, writing, reading, believing... whatever.

The most important challenge to me right know is to learn to love. Then I will see.

Ieva, counting her time.

“We live as we dream — alone...” (Joseph Conrad)

Hello there lonely dull cloud. You are so grey today. Do you want to tell me something? Why are you so upset today? Cry, you lonely cloud. I know it would change your colour. Or you would disappear in your despair...

Sometimes I wish the life to be coloured by children's eyes. It would be so much easier to follow the meaning of the smile in that drawing on a wall painted by an unknown artist. I feel like old good brandy is my friend tonight caring me through the grey sky and leaving in a land of green. And I am drowning in purple flowers with a smile on my face. And that red poppy strikes my gaze. It is so fragile in a land of green. The wind can come anytime and take its uniqueness leaving unoriginal note people write after a drunk night they cannot remember.

We live. We breath in all good and bad things into ourselves making us polluted by high expectations from people with unreal desires. And we climb up to Everest trying to prove that we are better on the mountain of cold than on the land of sunshine. But why? Because we are blinded by appreciation and attention dull people give us?

I would rather go blind sometimes...

I feel I could sleep through my endless hopes and desires. But I could not stop climbing up to the great Mountain. Every meter brings me more and more difficulties but that is how I get closer to uninviting new environment. I feel that this cold is getting closer and closer to my heart. At the same time it melts like ice-cream in summer... Straight on my knees while sitting on a bench in a park and secretly watching a child trying to climb up the oak.

I am here alone, I create my life. I draw my own portrait. I will not draw Mona Lisa out of myself but I will try to show that beautifully subtle smile she has. It is so enchanting that I unintentionally sit down on the grass and look at the mirror. I am not a parody of Mona Lisa, no no. I am what I am — a human being. A poppy in a land of green. And we all should find our own colours refusing what is accepted.

And the top of the Everest does not seem that far away anymore.

I should go to talk to my friendly penguins. I forgot their marvelous green tea with a slice of lemon. And the stories about that  lonely old white bear living in a cave next to them always give me a good laugh.

Ieva, walking between the green and white.

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do" (Eleanor Roosevelt)

Hello there dark dark night. You are so quiet and cold to me. I spent entire hour looking at you and waiting for a wisp of cloud to cut the moon in half. Again remembered crazy Salvador Dali. I wish I could see the world her perceived years ago. One marvelous dream wrapped in insanity. I bet he followed white rabbit which appeared from the tiny red doors behind the wardrobe. I would dare myself to follow my schedule only I must say.

Winter is here. The green has lost its battle against the white here in a land of cold. I should light a candle by my laptop to warm myself up. Shivering light is subtly hypnotizing. It takes me back to my childhood. Straight back to those desires I could not have. I remember how I wanted to play with some kids outside but they did not let me do that because I was too young. I used to bring pancakes my grandmother made for me to be accepted to take a small part in their foolish games. And it worked every time!

I wish I could use the power of pancakes every time I have to face a fear and refusal. Imagine: you make a plate of pancakes with maple syrup and strawberries for your future. And then leave it by the window at night for it to take it. And then next day you wake up on the island in the middle of Pacific ocean without your phone. And no one is able to ask you a question: "What are you going to do in the future?", with an expression on their faces saying "eventually you will end up in debt for you academic knowledge you will not need in your life because you will clean Trafalgar square every morning at 5 a.m". Oh no no no... I am a rocket man; suddenly I take off my spacesuit to get some fresh air. I should crawl through my life hoping for the future to take my pancakes...

Or should I just knock on Heaven's door?

Or I will beat all fears up leading myself to a dodgy place in my mind. Hello there, inspiration... Haven't seen you in a while.

Ieva, fighting her fears away.

"The concept of absurdity is something I'm attracted to" — David Lynch

Sometimes I like Autumn. Especially, sunny days in the park when I can observe colourful environment of dying nature. Isn't that ironic? The nature dies at the highest point of its beauty... Then rain starts and my dream fades out. Everything becomes grey and dull, just like my academic essays about the topic I have nothing to say. Welcome to the University — creativity is left in agony, and your  misunderstanding of life strikes from the dark room of your mind.

I need a key to unlock my positive thinking I guess. And stop complaining about things that are not even important. Apparently, my Lithuanian mentality is stronger than my passion for life. And the only thing, what I would like to do now is be somewhere else. Go and travel, explore myself and my mind.

I have a feeling that I am losing my friends, people I love. Why? Is that because I have changed? Or just my hope confuses me when I keep waiting for the most important person to show up online. Though I know it will never happen...

Everyone I know goes away in the end...

But I found a perfect treatment for my misery — films with happy endings. Despite all problems the characters have to face, they still end up happily. So sentimental, but sometimes we damn need it!

And now I will drink coffee, tea, then tea and coffee... And wait until I see a bright day. Snow would help too!

Ieva, in search for optimism.

"Try again. Fail again. Fail better" (Samuel Beckett)

Every time when I feel that everything falls onto my head, I keep turning around and running to a comfortable warm room with the only seat in it. Sometimes I even think that I would prefer sitting somewhere in the bus station to being tightly surrounded by four walls. At least I can observe more miserable people than me to feel better about myself... And my Lithuanian mentality strikes again!

But there is no time to relax and watch other shows when your own one is on fire. We all do have interesting lives wrapped in an irony and opportunities. Just sometimes we are too afraid of doing something, leaving our  comfortable zone. We know that insecurity is the worst enemy, but so is the comfort too. Life is full of  wooden benches, but it does not mean that you need to sit down on the every one every time you feel tired! Sometimes you have to walk without rest because someone is waiting for you at some point. If you miss that point on the right time, you might lose an opportunity.

Teach me how to fly...

And never turn around to your past because your mind is twisted. It will suggest you surreal dreams which will lead you to a deep sleep. Even though reality sometimes seems to be biting you and leaving bruises, it still is much better than believing in irrational things. I mean, sometimes it is very healthy to explore your mind's labyrinths, just it is so easy to get lost! And you have limited amount of matches too... The darkness will lead you to self destruction,which will automatically be set when you use the last match.

And now I will join my tightly planned life's schedule. It is no fun when you have to be at a certain point in a correct hour. But that is how it works: if you want to make the best apple pie you have ever made you have to grow your own apple tree.

Ieva, wishing she had more matches in her pocket.

"Happiness only real when shared" (Jon Krakauer)

Sometimes you just have to make a mistake to learn your lesson. And nothing can help with that. I am not some kind of superhero who could help my friends to change their mind. I believe I became an anti-hero (irony is my best friend). I guess I took a role of Batman; he tends to be interpreted as a good and bad guy at the same time. I need to buy a costume soon then and hide my identity!

Why do people find everything so complicated than it is? I thought we are all grown ups, but apparently we still have a kid inside screaming for vanilla ice-cream in the middle of the street. And you cannot even make him quiet because your unconscious needs are stronger than yourself.

So many times I tried question myself about the good and evil, but I eventually realised that what is better for you does not mean is better for others. So you just have to keep your opinion for yourself and drink your coffee. No sugar, please...

But I will always keep an eye on my friends. I will watch them making mistakes, but will be the first one to help them. It is just meant for us to do something wrong in lives, and that is natural. And mistakes is a natural shock therapy for us to start thinking.

I won't back down.

And I would like to thank to my lifetime (yes, we've reached a new level of friendship) friend, who has always been with me when I was making mistakes. And hopefully she will be here for ever.

Let's just not make friendships complicated, there are other things in life that bother us like whiny children everyday.

Ieva, trying to find a costume to hide her identity.