“I come in a world of iron...to make a world of gold” ― Dale Wasserman, Man of La Mancha

Friday is a writing day. At least, that is what I hear in my head constantly. One Friday goes and another comes and I am still on my blank page. If I do write something, when I read it it feels like an old snake skin — uncanny to touch yet you feel a need to peel it off. I delete more words than I type.

I am my own challenge. I am unemployed unofficially as I have realized that doing the job where you don't see perspectives is just a comfortable waste of time. Yet I still do a job I cannot resign from. You see the time passing by, you keep yourself ''very busy'' with running away from self improvement and you cure your meat for too long that it becomes so dry that you need to put a splash of extra virgin olive oil to moisturise your pallets. Chew what you have made. Chew your old dreams and ambitions because that is the last pleasure you have left.

We live in the world where to complain is understood as a way of expressing opinion. If you go to YouTube to listen to some songs, there will always be someone to dislike some videos or songs. Or someone gives one star for dining experience in the restaurant. It's popular to be negative on social networks. If you don't like it, you leave. Accept it or forget it. Even if you live in England. But hey, I am just a foreigner...

I am in my own agony. I reached the point when I need some changes. I need to wear my old shoes and walk again the same road to see what I can change. The old maple try has faded in my despair. I can only see the old wooden cross far in the horizon. Shameless loss of belief for someone who doesn't deserve your time.

So much grudge I am carrying in my chest at the moment that I cannot see properly the reality. I lost the keys of my own home. Trapped between guilt and a will to live happily ever after.

I can change I can change I can change but who you want me to be?...

Be polite, sneeze with your mouth covered, wash your hands after. Don't spread the bacteria. You are useless note on the wall. All the rules and regulations.

Your one hand seeks for emergency exit and the other one takes you back to your numbness.

Congratulations, you finally entered the world. They will tie your hands and cover your eyes. Walk straight and with no hesitation. If you stop, they will peel your skin and put you in the gas camera to slowly suffocate on your doubts.

Live fast or be alive for long.


Ieva, trying to find her old shoes.

P.S. Don't be with a person who doesn't see anything else apart from his ego. I have been consumed for too long...

''The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.'' (Ernest Hemingway)

I am not sure if there is another reason we are so mentally ill if not the matter of money. We believe we need it to buy things. We spend thousands on the dogs instead of adopting ones from the shelters. We go on holidays to relax from the stress the money causes.

One day I was walking back home from the town and as usually thinking about everything. And then I came up with an idea that if I ever earned at least £26000 (probably some people think that it is a joke to earn this amount of money in England, but, hey, as a Lithuanian, I am not asking much to fulfill my needs), I would donate £1500 to the charity, to children.

Children are our future, and sometimes they need a little help to move on to achieve something. Maybe they are the ones who will make changes in the degrading world.

The day after I was pleasantly surprised to receive a cheque from the government with a certain amount of money because apparently I overpaid the tax. Next day, I donated 10% of the amount to children, who are in need of money more than I am. Sometimes you need less than you think to make changes. I am certainly not looking for appraisal for doing so; I am just genially do not feel that I need all the money I get. And if I need, for what? To buy a packet of cigarettes? To put some implants in my breast to make them look more attractive? Or should I go buy finally new shoes for winter? I might just wait until I loose the sole in that case.

I feel I am a bit lost between my feelings and my fear. I need a great change, I am craving for a nice smell of freedom and creativity. Like the apple pie, I need to taste it hot and fresh, otherwise there is no point of putting it in my mouth and trying to chew.

I feel I lost my dreams and ambitions because I took the wrong turn. Hey, I am a fresh driver, I can make mistakes! I need to practice better to be more confident with myself. One person said to me when I mentioned that I would be interested  in working in film industry: "You need to be confident, that's all''. I spent my first year in the University of being afraid to speak English, second being not sure about my accent, and the third one I just skipped half of the lectures because I needed to work, and then I lost interest in studying.

Feeling a bit grungy today. I think It is time to pick up my pieces and go home...

One thing I am sure now, it is time to leave one thing. Anyone spare me a job?



Ieva, observing the nature.

"And I can't be running back and fourth forever between grief and high delight." ― J.D. Salinger

When I start getting into the idea of the relationship of love and hate, everything seems to look the same. Probably about 70% (assuming) of people will like you and think that you are a nice person. 20% will hate you for some reason (they might not like your hair, your face, your thoughts, or will just want to punch you right into the face for no reason at all). Last 10% I give to very close people. Only those ten percent are the ones who will stand next to you when you are in your unrealistic dreams and will hug you when you fail to make them come true.

I think I would hit about 80% for my exam of success. But only from the second time. The first time I would fail. I have always been quite good with my second times. I think it is all because I am the second child in the family. I have grown under the supervision of my older sister. I was always good with the things she experienced, and what I had to experience myself without her I failed. But it's alright. Everyone fails to do most of the things from the first time. They are life lessons to learn and to accept. They make us be who we are now — humans.

I can always be found...

Greece failed to be in European Union; now it is their second chance. And I believe everything will go smoother than the first time. It's all about what you learn in the moment of the imaginary defeat. As soon as you realize that it is just a tough hit in your ribs but they are still fine, you hit back with greater power. Hit and not miss this time.

From  my experience, I managed to fail my driving test the first time. I was very upset about it because I was in my last month of pregnancy and didn't have much time. And then I stood up and managed to take another one before my Mr was born... Actually, he was born within two days after I passed my driving test. Lucky me to still park the car correctly with the belly popped out and baby constantly kicking!

Anyway,  I have been a bit put off from trying to be involved in professional photography. It seems that everyone who can afford to buy a better camera and know how to use Photoshop (or to hide spots and make you look better and smarter than you are in reality), offer (un)professional photography sessions. Seriously? It makes me feel like only people who don't have enough brain and courage to achieve something better, become photographers. I think photography because of social networks became like daily cup of coffee — you won't function well if you don't intake a good dose of caffeine.

I still love taking photos, but I think I need to restructure some priorities before becoming another clown posting photos and seeking for likes with a special signature on the right bottom of the photo reserving my rights. Wait, if I put a signature, am I counted as a professional photographer?

Anyway, at the moment I have other things in my concern, and it is not Greece or my career. Time flies, I am still at home on the computer debating if today it is going to rain. I have a lot of mixed up feeling and feeling a bit confused about the environment around me.

Even the gender and sexuality now confuse me. I am not writing essay about this topic as we, film students, constantly used to do in the University. The other day I was passing by the park. It was a sunny beautiful day, and, of course, park was full of people. And I saw two ladies sitting and chatting, and I started thinking whether they are lesbians or not. I am not homophobic, it is just because of this gay rights topic all over society, it grew in my brain like a tumor the confusion of homosexuals and heterosexuals and keeps bothering me. Are we becoming a ''genderless'' society?

I am not the judge and I am more than happy to see same gender couples together being happy instead of hiding their identities and inhibiting their sexuality, later turning to aggressive acts towards other people.

Live, love, laugh, as it is said. Difference is the tool making us interested and interesting.

Ieva, hunting sunny spells.

“Nobody is mysteriously mysterious. To be mysterious all it takes is hard work, misdirection, and a fog machine.” (Jarod Kintz)

It is great to be outside when the Sun is out. A bit of tan would do good to my pale skin. It's already spring! Beautiful.

It kind of reminds me the time when I was in my first year of University. Lovely spring. I can see myself going up to hill with a huge shopping bag (the environmental friendly one, surprisingly). Then stopping in the middle of the way and enjoying a cigarette, which clearly made sense to have it even though I was completely out of breath, on the same bench every time.

But enough about my memories. I have been quite busy recently with my so called new project ''Valentino''. But despite it, I have been thinking (as I always do this — more action, please!) about certain human behaviors I don't really get. If there is anyone actually who could give me an answer (and anyone who reads it), I am more than happy to listen to your opinion. Because of this life time project, I did not have much chance to discuss much with people while having a nice cup of strong long coffee.

First of all, one thing that is really bothering me is uploading your children's photos on social networks. Seriously?! You take the identity of your child before he even understand he exists. I believe you should allow your child to grow up enough to do it himself. I mean, I completely understand how proud you are to be mother, father, grandmother, cousin or neighbor of this child, but, please, don't share it on the internet where the data no matter if deleted or not stays there like 3rd stage cancer in young man's body. Imagine if you post your little girl's photo playing outside with her lovely bright red dress, and some pedophile (might not happen but, hey, there's always a chance) downloads the picture and pleases himself while creating some disgusting things in his head what he would do with your little one!

Born and raised by those who praise...

It is harsh, but you have to face all aspects of reality. As the environment is more and more polluted every year, humanity observes its all negativity. Every year, you can read terrible things about human behavior and you debate yourself how it is actually possible to come up with such an idea. For example, the recent news everybody must have read about. This pilot was so depressed that instead of hanging himself in the shed in his garden, he decided to crash the plane to French Alps killing 148 other people. I guess he didn't have a shed and the garden? The irony is that because of his illness he is completely innocent. God bless the law! That is another reason why we should save environment because, sooner we know, we all will become beasts living in the caves and attacking each other verbally, physically and psychologically.

Nowadays, the global warming warns me less than the headlines of the newspapers. I understand that it is quite commercial as well to intrigue a consumer with a story so he brainlessly purchase it to feed his imagination. All news are the same, only expressed in different words. I can divide all of them in four main categories: Putin, Elections, EU and Pulp Fiction. You know, at this point I'd better choose to read fictional books.

Anyway, I am not too sure if I raised any questions but I am sure for one: world is not a mystery anymore. Everything has become too bland and obvious. I think everyone can now become sidekicks and predict the future. Only lottery on TV is a mystery. I never manage to win.

Anyway, there are two things I really wish for now. First, alien invasion. And second, go home and see my family. The second one will become real soon. About the first, will see...

Ieva, trying haunt the time.

When people are taken out of their depths they lose their heads, no matter how charming a bluff they may put up" (F. Scott Fitzgerald)

Seems like the world is going crazy nowadays. Are we going up or down? Did we just exchange self-consciousness to unconscious stupidity?

Seems like it has been years since we used to play table games or cards with friends having a chilled evening without alcoholic drinks. Now everyone expects you to dress up, emphasize on décolleté (if you are a woman), put a hell of amount of make up and go out trying to seek attention. Hey, you didn't have a good night if your photos are not  posted on Instagram or Facebook with your name tagged within next week. Living the life at the fullest. Might be the time to change my profile picture. Hash tag hash tag... Like like like. Comment. Interesting rhythm kicks in my brain. Or brainwash.

The society loosing its face in the never ending entertainment hall. There are no windows, only a smartphone. And you are walking without looking around. Express your numb feelings about the girl who was next to your for so long that you can smell her perfume a kilometre away. But you lost your chance while being online and updating your status how lonely you feel sometimes.

It is nothing wrong to use internet as long as we don't forget to use our brains and we still can differentiate between reality and the unreal. Suddenly I turn to the mirror and look at myself. The reflection of it is what I create in my mind. Might not be the most objective perspective the mirror, but can social networks reveal something more real than a real reflection?

I am getting confused in my twisted mind. I have so many thoughts on my mind that sometimes I struggle to speak up. Remember, nodding is good too, Ieva,..

Anyway, I am feeling a bit sensitive today and would like to have a little faith in myself. I would like to describe myself as an artist. I need inspiration to be happy and create beauty from my twisted mind. Write twelve biographies and thirteen fictional novels. And most important — take the best moments in people’s lives and feed my adventurous heart with travels. Inspire my friends and be inspired by them.

I would like to thank my sister. Her note with one of my writing framed I got as a present still makes me cry and be proud. I love you with all my heart.

Ieva, listening too much of Joe Cocker.

"To unpathed waters, undreamed shores" (William Shakespeare)

So strange what love does...

One day I looked at myself in the mirror. I saw this girl under pressure for several reasons. First of all, job she has is unbearable and she started hating it from deep of her soul. Secondly, she is wanted to be accountant aka office cow, which she was trying to run away from since she was a child and everyone was pushing her to go to study law, economics and other similar subjects.

But that time girl was a rebel and while spitting everyone straight into their faces she ran away to study abroad. She chose to study films as she found that the creative side was becoming more and more powerful and needed more space to absorb different notes from the nature.

But being an artist isn't easily approved profession as we are living in capitalism. You can't be an artist without money. So the girl spent three years working more than studying to pay her accommodation and living.

As everyone has experience with their own skin: having money in your pocket makes you comfortable. And the girl forgot she had ambitions to prove people she didn't need to study law or economics...

Meanwhile I was looking at myself in the mirror, I noticed a little sparkle left in one eye. It was screaming to be out. I came all this way to be where I am now — unhappy. Great achievement, Ieva.

And from now own I made a promise to myself — fuck all accounting books and concentrate on what I my heart wants me to do.

When I read someone's autobiography, I find myself more excited about reading the empty pages. And I know that one day people will write about my life. And I will be just laughing at their interpretations of some certain my future decisions.

But now — I am my own god and I am responsible for my decisions. And I am not too sure if I feel confident about it.

Have you ever seen yourself drowning in water? I've done this twice. Every new experience brings you a bright sun sparkle to follow. I have become a pilot of my own car in my own road.

Though I am still in some kind of nightmare which is holding me tight. I feel I am following the limits of life without any passion left. Whose going to light a candle on my grave?

I am a stranger to my family and myself. Can I find anyone to take me out of this horror and put me on the bright spot? How to gain the spirit to win against all doubts and be more confident of my goals?

Ieva, lost in her dreams.

“Some day you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again.” ― C.S. Lewis

Once there was a little prince. He lived in his lonely planet with a rose. The rose seemed to be very demanding that one day little prince decided to go away and leave her alone to look after herself. He traveled miles and miles meeting new characters. Eventually he realized that the rose was the only one to him, his little flower. And he went back home to appreciate what he had. I am not sure what he found at home as probably Antoine left it for us to finish the story. Did he find the rose still loyally waiting for him or she died without no one looking after her? It is all up to our imagination leading us through the life.

What life should you choose? A life of an adventurous prince or fragile rose? Are you a strong oak or just an aspen on a windy mountain?

Doesn't matter what life you choose, it is how you live it. You need to do anything what makes you sophisticated. And the most important thing is to live in peace with your mind... and heart.

And there is that one time when you wake up with a realization that you need to leave. Leave job you do as it drains you from head to toes. Or just leave the town, where you grew up and start living in a foreign country. The world is too small to stay in one place. Especially if you have an adventurous heart or a hope to find a brighter place.

But somehow after running from one place to another you realize that there are no sweeter strawberries as you have at home. And there is nothing more precious than a morning coffee in a cafe with your own mother.

Irony is that every time I get an offer to taste home strawberries, I cannot feel the same flavor anymore. It is just the same as everywhere else. It appears to me that I grew up and now I have other priorities in my world — to look after my own family and fight for our health and happiness.

Soon our family will find special planet and plant roses. And not only roses for our little prince, but strawberries as well. So sweet as they used to be when we were children. There is no more "I" anymore. There is a greater power to push us forward to be adventurous and explore the world from new perspective.

Honey you are a rock, upon which I stand...

Ieva, starting new period of her life.

When the world ends I will probably be able to feel it. For now on the life revolves around the spoons...

What is like to be living in a foreign country? I ask this question myself quite often. Depending on a mood I get a few answers in my head:

1. Why the hell did I decide to come and live here?!

2. I don't really care about anything, I am just going with the flow towards maybe something more exciting.

3. What? Has it really been three years since I came here? Times flies by here when you jump into the rhythm of working 7 days a week...

4. I actually like living here — lovely town, great friends, different people and never ending days and nights.

And then I get weekly dreams of old places of Lithuania. Last night I had a strange dream that I was cycling to the park where my grandfather used to take me every weekend for a walk. And I dreamed I was there walking around and looking for him. But I couldn't see him. The colours of fall blinded me and I was lost in the forest among all dead leaves.

Shhh... Don't wake up the dead.

I wake up again here in the place where I am now. The same old building, the same boring walk to work. Back and forth back and forth. And I am swinging day to day in the same routine while a quiet man behind me whispers me: "For how long can pendulum swing left and right?".

I am very easily bored person. If I don't do anything exciting for a while, I become moody and miserable. It can't be changed.

I want to start the race now instead of waiting for a permission. Life is too short to settle down in one small town and wait for Tuesdays and Fridays to check the lottery and hope to win at least something to kick myself out to a new level of life. I'd better fall after trying to do something new and be slapped straight into my face than sit comfortably on the every day chair and hope one day I will be acknowledged. Wake up, Ieva, acknowledgement comes after failures and final winning of something you really believe in.

And I believe in myself as every person deserves to do so. It's time to start.

Ieva, in her best position to jump.

"Keep your dreams alive. Understand to achieve anything requires faith and belief in yourself, vision, hard work, determination, and dedication. Remember all things are possible for those who believe" (Gail Devers)

What a journey, so hard to describe.

Sometimes when you feel you are running to the right direction, someone punches you right in you face. This is how I feel at the moment.

You win you lose. So much to do here, and yet nothing is done. The books started falling from the unread pile one. Maybe it's the wind from the opened window...

The words I suddenly promise to myself disappear from my mouth and brain. Just the guilt left angrily reminding things I am supposed to do. I should start playing angry birds as the ones I have could easily kill the pigs hiding under the bricks.

Please, God, give me wings, I  fall on my knees and start begging in the land of green. I wish so many things sometimes that I get lost in my dreams. And I just wish to see my family. Again and again. Look at my mother's eyes, the ones I see sometimes when I look at myself in the mirror.

But it is not the end of the life, it is the beginning of the new period. Great changes and even higher expectations. It is perfect time to move on and start a new journey, new exciting way.

Caterpillar once grows up and becomes a beautiful butterfly.

The life is divided by so many roads with different directions that sometimes you have to close your eyes and listen to your heart which one you should choose.

At the moment I just wish I could exchange my fifteen minutes morning showers to relaxing bath with rose petals. Or fifteen minutes walk to work through the same road would be more appealing if I was going towards a certain ambition. Routine, only routine can kill the strongest.

But now I have to head to the kitchen to make myself coffee to keep it running.

I planted my little talent in the pot. I hope with a good care and love it will grow and flourish. I am what I am and I have to believe not only in others but in myself as well. I can see the bright future, just it takes time to choose the right way. My own way.

Ieva, walking through the jungle.

"Life is too short to worry about anything. You had better enjoy it because the next day promises nothing" (Eric Davis)

Hi there, I am looking for a job. At the moment I am running around like my head was on fire. And yet the water in the glass is still. Need some sparkle.

I cannot close my eyes any more. I have to look around the reality. Where I am, who I am. I am going to buy a ticket. Goodybag goodybag. Life is divided by monthly payments.  After all, I have started realizing that nothing actually here does make sense. Maybe I should go home? Ashes to ashes, we all fall down to the same place. To the same green land with sweet strawberries. You pick one and you suck it with all the dirt it has on to be united with your land.

And here I cannot even have a dog. Because dog is dirty. Dog is filthy. Dog's place is outside. All my childhood I considered my dog as my brother and I have been told that the dog is just animal. No no no... I still believe that dogs are better friends than people.

But anyway, it is not about the dogs I am trying to think of. It the thing what I recently discovered. I have a limited time offer to change my life now. Probably I shouldn't waste my time any more as it is too precious. And yet I sill manage to climb on top of my misery and disappointment. I am still walking trying to catch my fields of gold. And after having spent my days watching the rain I suddenly realise that the only thing I am not capable of is... Enjoy.

But am I capable of carrying on? Am I capable of showing new life around. I am not a tour guide, no no. I am still living above the trees... Flying between mountains and rivers looking for the right place to satisfy my thirst and hunger. I cannot lose my dreams I have built, the ones which gave me hope to thrive.

And after all I still find myself fighting against something.

Ieva, silently fighting her way through.

"One can survive everything, nowadays, except death, and live down everything except a good reputation" (Oscar Wilde)

Hi again. It is sunny today. Actually, it has been sunny lately. Everyone is enjoying time outside having a coffee or a beer while I am serving them and trying to clear the tables for new customers coming over to appreciate the joy of spring. I suddenly have a slight touch of jealousy while looking at people enjoying their weekends off. For me they are the busiest work days.

I have a small issue. I can't stop working. I constantly have to do something; otherwise I feel down and useless. I wake up 7.30 am in the morning and start my day. I go to work to the restaurant, then I go home and continue working. Day after day. The fact is that I enjoy doing that as  I do not need to think about other things in life such as calling my family and asking if everything is ok for them. When my grandfather was alive I used to care more about communication just to make sure he was fine. Now I more care about keeping my section nice and tidy.

Today is Monday, my day off from the restaurant. I should come out and enjoy the warmth of sun, but I'm here at home listening to music and writing. My mind is dangerous when it gets rest. It might not start working again if it stops. I should call an engineer to fix me. Or I should carry on doing whatever I am trying to construct and wait for the overheating process.

Anyway, you need to do in your life anything what makes you happy. Anything what makes you feel you are worth living in this busy world.

And it doesn't matter how many empty plates I will need to take from the tables to please the customers, I need to believe that everything has a reason. It doesn't matter what job you do as long as you do it well... and with the bright mind.

Everyone has gone crazy lately. Europe is crazy about electing perfect candidates for Eurovision Song Contest. Putin is crazy about Ukraine; Ukraine is crazy about Putin. Massive psychosis, to sum up.

And I am just a passenger... Walking in towards the fields of hope and consciousness.

Ieva, trying to avoid global problems.

"You will never be happy if you continue to search for what happiness consists of. You will never live if you are looking for the meaning of life" (Alber Camus)

Close your eyes and see the world I see now. That old house by a river in the middle of the woods. A blue sun drowned in a yellow sky. And the rain colored in red.

It is not truth or a lie. It is what you create in your unconscious mind. Keep dreaming.

Everyone always is rushing. To eat. To relax. To go back to work. To be happy. To cry. We hide our emotions in the box inside ourselves and hope they never get out. We die without ever having a possibility to love somebody. And then we realize that all our lives we've been waiting for that chance (which never came) and wasted our time on trying to be perfect, trying to fit the frame of sympathy and and "being normal".

Only a few people managed to get out of the market of empty souls. And sometimes I still find my heart screaming "I WANT TO GO HOME. I WANT TO GO HOME...". And I know there is nothing I can do. Just quietly wait for a chance to go up to the mountain with a pain in the heart. Or drink a glass or two of wine and smile.

Still looking for freedom...

Sometimes I really struggle with my mind. It takes me so deep in the cave that I am not even sure any more if I can find a way out. Dangerous people have dangerous minds. Or it is the mind which makes them dangerous.

And they stand outside the house every morning and stare at me with an irony in their faces. Stop dreaming, Ieva, it is not good for you. Go better do your homework. You want learn to count money if you don't solve this maths task. Haa... If only I know before that actual maths exam at school would come useful in live. My foolish dreams betrayed me telling that it was easy to be an artist. No no, even artists nowadays have to pass maths. Why? Because you have to know the value of your talent and to count if you can make a profit from it. Probably, 90% of those who chose to study arts would have turned around at school and picked a safer way. Keep counting, Ieva, prove you identity and skills.

And now I will go outside to the storm and drown my disappointment in the rain. I will melt like chocolate close to the fire and drink myself trying to relax and focus.... On counting, writing, reading, believing... whatever.

The most important challenge to me right know is to learn to love. Then I will see.

Ieva, counting her time.

“We live as we dream — alone...” (Joseph Conrad)

Hello there lonely dull cloud. You are so grey today. Do you want to tell me something? Why are you so upset today? Cry, you lonely cloud. I know it would change your colour. Or you would disappear in your despair...

Sometimes I wish the life to be coloured by children's eyes. It would be so much easier to follow the meaning of the smile in that drawing on a wall painted by an unknown artist. I feel like old good brandy is my friend tonight caring me through the grey sky and leaving in a land of green. And I am drowning in purple flowers with a smile on my face. And that red poppy strikes my gaze. It is so fragile in a land of green. The wind can come anytime and take its uniqueness leaving unoriginal note people write after a drunk night they cannot remember.

We live. We breath in all good and bad things into ourselves making us polluted by high expectations from people with unreal desires. And we climb up to Everest trying to prove that we are better on the mountain of cold than on the land of sunshine. But why? Because we are blinded by appreciation and attention dull people give us?

I would rather go blind sometimes...

I feel I could sleep through my endless hopes and desires. But I could not stop climbing up to the great Mountain. Every meter brings me more and more difficulties but that is how I get closer to uninviting new environment. I feel that this cold is getting closer and closer to my heart. At the same time it melts like ice-cream in summer... Straight on my knees while sitting on a bench in a park and secretly watching a child trying to climb up the oak.

I am here alone, I create my life. I draw my own portrait. I will not draw Mona Lisa out of myself but I will try to show that beautifully subtle smile she has. It is so enchanting that I unintentionally sit down on the grass and look at the mirror. I am not a parody of Mona Lisa, no no. I am what I am — a human being. A poppy in a land of green. And we all should find our own colours refusing what is accepted.

And the top of the Everest does not seem that far away anymore.

I should go to talk to my friendly penguins. I forgot their marvelous green tea with a slice of lemon. And the stories about that  lonely old white bear living in a cave next to them always give me a good laugh.

Ieva, walking between the green and white.

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do" (Eleanor Roosevelt)

Hello there dark dark night. You are so quiet and cold to me. I spent entire hour looking at you and waiting for a wisp of cloud to cut the moon in half. Again remembered crazy Salvador Dali. I wish I could see the world her perceived years ago. One marvelous dream wrapped in insanity. I bet he followed white rabbit which appeared from the tiny red doors behind the wardrobe. I would dare myself to follow my schedule only I must say.

Winter is here. The green has lost its battle against the white here in a land of cold. I should light a candle by my laptop to warm myself up. Shivering light is subtly hypnotizing. It takes me back to my childhood. Straight back to those desires I could not have. I remember how I wanted to play with some kids outside but they did not let me do that because I was too young. I used to bring pancakes my grandmother made for me to be accepted to take a small part in their foolish games. And it worked every time!

I wish I could use the power of pancakes every time I have to face a fear and refusal. Imagine: you make a plate of pancakes with maple syrup and strawberries for your future. And then leave it by the window at night for it to take it. And then next day you wake up on the island in the middle of Pacific ocean without your phone. And no one is able to ask you a question: "What are you going to do in the future?", with an expression on their faces saying "eventually you will end up in debt for you academic knowledge you will not need in your life because you will clean Trafalgar square every morning at 5 a.m". Oh no no no... I am a rocket man; suddenly I take off my spacesuit to get some fresh air. I should crawl through my life hoping for the future to take my pancakes...

Or should I just knock on Heaven's door?

Or I will beat all fears up leading myself to a dodgy place in my mind. Hello there, inspiration... Haven't seen you in a while.

Ieva, fighting her fears away.

"The concept of absurdity is something I'm attracted to" — David Lynch

Sometimes I like Autumn. Especially, sunny days in the park when I can observe colourful environment of dying nature. Isn't that ironic? The nature dies at the highest point of its beauty... Then rain starts and my dream fades out. Everything becomes grey and dull, just like my academic essays about the topic I have nothing to say. Welcome to the University — creativity is left in agony, and your  misunderstanding of life strikes from the dark room of your mind.

I need a key to unlock my positive thinking I guess. And stop complaining about things that are not even important. Apparently, my Lithuanian mentality is stronger than my passion for life. And the only thing, what I would like to do now is be somewhere else. Go and travel, explore myself and my mind.

I have a feeling that I am losing my friends, people I love. Why? Is that because I have changed? Or just my hope confuses me when I keep waiting for the most important person to show up online. Though I know it will never happen...

Everyone I know goes away in the end...

But I found a perfect treatment for my misery — films with happy endings. Despite all problems the characters have to face, they still end up happily. So sentimental, but sometimes we damn need it!

And now I will drink coffee, tea, then tea and coffee... And wait until I see a bright day. Snow would help too!

Ieva, in search for optimism.

"Try again. Fail again. Fail better" (Samuel Beckett)

Every time when I feel that everything falls onto my head, I keep turning around and running to a comfortable warm room with the only seat in it. Sometimes I even think that I would prefer sitting somewhere in the bus station to being tightly surrounded by four walls. At least I can observe more miserable people than me to feel better about myself... And my Lithuanian mentality strikes again!

But there is no time to relax and watch other shows when your own one is on fire. We all do have interesting lives wrapped in an irony and opportunities. Just sometimes we are too afraid of doing something, leaving our  comfortable zone. We know that insecurity is the worst enemy, but so is the comfort too. Life is full of  wooden benches, but it does not mean that you need to sit down on the every one every time you feel tired! Sometimes you have to walk without rest because someone is waiting for you at some point. If you miss that point on the right time, you might lose an opportunity.

Teach me how to fly...

And never turn around to your past because your mind is twisted. It will suggest you surreal dreams which will lead you to a deep sleep. Even though reality sometimes seems to be biting you and leaving bruises, it still is much better than believing in irrational things. I mean, sometimes it is very healthy to explore your mind's labyrinths, just it is so easy to get lost! And you have limited amount of matches too... The darkness will lead you to self destruction,which will automatically be set when you use the last match.

And now I will join my tightly planned life's schedule. It is no fun when you have to be at a certain point in a correct hour. But that is how it works: if you want to make the best apple pie you have ever made you have to grow your own apple tree.

Ieva, wishing she had more matches in her pocket.

"Happiness only real when shared" (Jon Krakauer)

Sometimes you just have to make a mistake to learn your lesson. And nothing can help with that. I am not some kind of superhero who could help my friends to change their mind. I believe I became an anti-hero (irony is my best friend). I guess I took a role of Batman; he tends to be interpreted as a good and bad guy at the same time. I need to buy a costume soon then and hide my identity!

Why do people find everything so complicated than it is? I thought we are all grown ups, but apparently we still have a kid inside screaming for vanilla ice-cream in the middle of the street. And you cannot even make him quiet because your unconscious needs are stronger than yourself.

So many times I tried question myself about the good and evil, but I eventually realised that what is better for you does not mean is better for others. So you just have to keep your opinion for yourself and drink your coffee. No sugar, please...

But I will always keep an eye on my friends. I will watch them making mistakes, but will be the first one to help them. It is just meant for us to do something wrong in lives, and that is natural. And mistakes is a natural shock therapy for us to start thinking.

I won't back down.

And I would like to thank to my lifetime (yes, we've reached a new level of friendship) friend, who has always been with me when I was making mistakes. And hopefully she will be here for ever.

Let's just not make friendships complicated, there are other things in life that bother us like whiny children everyday.

Ieva, trying to find a costume to hide her identity.

"You live alone, creating your life as you go" (Eddie Sedgwick)

Life is a long way towards the other world. Towards our liberation. Why do I call the death as liberation? It is rather arguable but I have always believed that human body is something that restricts us, our abilities and talents. But without skeleton and meat we would not be able to be seen and obviously heard. There are always two sides, and you can never be sure which side to choose; in this case it is better to use your body for self-development. Just never forget — your mind needs to sleep too!

Try to find equilibrium.

And if you sometimes feel that you have no idea why even simple questions seem to be difficult, just drown in the bohemian underwater world. Be a shark or dolphin, be whatever you want to be. And never try to fit the frame of "being normal". There is no definition of the word "normal". You are the one and only (yes, I do sound very banal!), you are walking your way alone, and there is no need to be liked by everyone. This is why you are special. Just slide through your way without much thinking. The idea how to cut the tree without a proper tool comes up eventually. Or maybe you do not have to do this? But this is a different topic, which took too long for me to find the right answer. And I am still only halfway there!

And now I am off to see the sunset of the old good Lithuanian seaside in my memories. But without sentimental feelings this time, because, as long as it stays in my mind, I will be able to recapture this moment over and over again.

Ieva, watching mysterious sunset.

"Quiet people have the loudest minds" (Stephen Hawking)

Some people say that we life for the others, some people argue that life is made for only individual achievements. Which option should we choose to finally be happy? I guess even a greatest philosopher could not tell us the answer because happiness is something that has to be found individually.

We are all different and unique. Just sometimes our personalities tend to stick with some kind of idol and lose its perfect imperfectness.

I have so many thoughts of my mind that sometimes I just get lost in the rooms of different dreams and hopes. And then I sit down in the room of emptiness and listen to silence. It is wonderful what you can hear in the silence!

Enjoy the Silence.

This is my first post  here. And my first one written in English. I think I have just reached new level of self-development, haven't I?

Writing is a part of my life. I have several notebooks and a lot of files on my laptop. It helps me to say what I would not say loudly. I can finally sort my the order of my thoughts while writing. It is like photography to me. Just photography is used more when I need to express my thoughts visually.

And now I have to go back to reality and start doing something which is compulsory for my academic achievements. I wish I wish I could just live in my rooms of endless thoughts...

"Find a balance, Ieva... Find a balance between your inner world and the reality." - a voice of the old lady keeps telling when I come over to one of the rooms in my mind's labyrinth. She is very wise and lovely. Always makes me a cup of tea while telling her exciting memories.

Ieva, enjoying the silence.